6 questions to ask yourself before dating your ex
1. Why did you break up?
When feelings flare up again, it may seem like all the bad things in your story are no longer so important. And in general, you used to be very dramatized, but now you have become wiser and will not get upset over trifles. There is even such a trap of thinking, the effect of damping emotions. Because of her, we forget the negative and again step on the same rake.
If the reasons for the conflict were really trivial or lost relevance, you can try to restore the relationship. For example, you have lived in different cities and are tired of maintaining an affair at a distance, and now you have moved and are not far from each other. Or it seemed to you that the feelings had faded away, but now you understand that it is not so. However, if the breakup is due to cheating, manipulation, or morbid jealousy, there is little chance of success. Such problems are difficult to treat.
2. Have you both changed a lot?
How long has it been since the breakup: a few months, a year, a couple of years? Over the long term, a person can change interests and life priorities. Sometimes it helps to start a relationship with a clean slate. And sometimes, it creates problems: you may find that now you have almost no common desires, goals and hobbies.
3. Did you have other partners?
After you broke up, the person might be dating someone else. If this union was long or even ended in marriage, this may affect your future relationship. Feelings could remain between people, they could be bound by some obligations: children, common business, loans.
This does not mean that you cannot start over. But you need to take into account the possible difficulties and discuss them. For example, how do you feel about the fact that someone else's child will now live with you? What will you feel if your spouse communicates with your ex-spouse at work every day? Assess how ready you are for this.
4. Why do you want to be together again?
It's good if this is a balanced decision: you spent some time apart, reviewed everything that was between you, and realized that you still love each other, want to be together and are ready to work on relationships. But there are other reasons, less reasonable. Let's say you crossed paths and a passion flared up between you for a short time, which can end just as quickly. Or you're just bored. Or maybe you are lonely and want support. Finally, chances are that you are afraid to step out of your comfort zone and enter into new relationships, so you are drawn to something familiar.
If the reason for the reunion is dubious, you run the risk of parting again, and before that, pretty ruffle each other's nerves. Before entering the same river a second time, take a break and analyze your motives.
5. Are there any resentments and omissions left between you?
It's one thing if both of you once decided to break up, and quite another if the breakup was initiated by someone else. The abandoned partner could have accumulated a lot of anger and pretensions. Sooner or later, all this may emerge and result in scandals. The same applies to unresolved conflicts: Do you remember how you forgot about my birthday?
If you are thinking of reuniting, it is better to bring such claims to light and discuss them so that later they do not undermine your relationship.
6. How do you intend to build communication now?
Something went wrong last time. Perhaps everything was crossed out by some event, betrayal or deception. Or maybe petty discontent played a role, which accumulated for months and buried love and tenderness under them. If you want to give each other a second chance, think about how you will now work with emotions and resentments, seek compromises, resolve conflict situations, from irritation over unwashed dishes to unwillingness to communicate with your partner's relatives.
Make a list of all the issues that you could not agree on last time, and think about how you will resolve them now.